I am a firm believer that adaptability is critical to a person's success in their personal life, work life, and relationships. An intelligence quotient (IQ) is a score derived from one of several standardized tests designed to access intelligence. However, an emotional quotient (EQ) or emotional intelligence is the ability to identify, assess, and control the emotions of oneself, of others, and of groups. A person's EQ is a much bigger factor in determining life success than their IQ. While IQ reveals a person's ability to learn, their EQ reveals their ability to adapt and thrive. EQ is uniquely tied to adaptability - the ability to adapt to life changes. A person's ability to see multiple options, solutions, and pathways is key to adaptability and a high EQ.
There are degrees of adaptability. Some people were born with the innate ability to adapt quickly and easily to changes in life while others come into the world with a rigid, inflexible personality. Most of us fall somewhere in between these extremes, but you may have come across a "classic non-adapter" or two in your life. Dealing with a "non-adapter" or "low-flex" person can be challenging, especially if that person is a parent, life partner or spouse, child, sibling, teacher, coach, manager, friend, or colleague. For the sake of identification, we will use the terms "low-flex", "non-adapter/adaptive", and "inflexible" to describe the same type of person who struggles with change more than the average bear.
Let's first identify non-adaptive, low-flex behaviors, then we'll look at ways to deal with people who struggle with inflexibility. Lastly, we'll discuss how the non-adapter can change, and and how they can actually learn, over time, to let go of their rigid behaviors and expectations. There is hope for those who struggle with adaptability, and change IS possible!
The classic non-adapter can be described this way:
- Obsessive behaviors such as repetition of words or actions
- Fidgeting, uncontrolled movements (tics) such as blinking or muscular twitches, constant movement
- Inability to relax
- Overreaction to pain
- Obsessively following routines or schedules
- Perfectionism
- Ritualistic behaviors
- The "Micromanager" of the workplace
- Rigidity in attitude, opinion, and perception. )Narrow-mindedness).
- Low stress tolerance levels, easily irritated, poor anger control, frequent outbursts.
- Makes decisions based on fears rather than facts.
- Easily annoyed by people or circumstances.
- Intolerant of others.
- Frequently complains, regardless of whether there is an actual crisis (fatal accident, illness, terminal diagnosis), or simply if little things don't go their way. (Running late, heavy traffic, spilled coffee, etc.).
- Unrealistic expectations of themselves and others.
- Controlling in relationships, both personal and professional.
- Sense of entitlement.
- Obsessive thoughts that frequently follow worst-case scenarios.
- Compulsions - checking things frequently (The time, to-do lists, bank accounts, social media, the status and behavior of friends and enemies, cleaning and re-cleaning things, etc.).
- Frequently a "no" person, always listing reasons why other's plans and ideas won't work, and why their own plans will likely fail.
- Is not a team player, prefers to work independently
- Likes to do the work, then plays the martyr and complains that no one helps them.
- Withholds affection
- Behaves like a victim.
- Low level of self confidence but hides it with over-confident behavior.
- Often has extreme moral and religious views and imposes these on others.
- Blames others or themselves for their own failures, disappointments, and negative feelings. (Nothing is ever their fault, OR everything is always their fault).
- Often moody and frequently depressed.
- Over thinks simple things.
- Judgmental.
- Overly skeptical of the motives of others, and the world in general.
- Tries to please everyone but in the end pleases no one.
- Resists progress, even when it would benefit them personally.
- Is not eager to try new things, new experiences, new places, new ways of doing things, or new relationships. Becomes easily angered if their "familiar things" are not available (favorite chair, drink, TV show, food item, reporting techniques, etc.).
- Is offended by creative, flexible personality types.
- Often combative and frequently initiates fights and arguments.
- Self absorbed, not concerned with the feelings or ideas of others. Narcissistic.
- Incapable of being happy, even when good things happen. Don't allow themselves to experience joy because they expect bad things to happen to them.
- Huge trust issues with people, circumstances, and outcomes.
While most of us exhibit some of these characteristics, people who exhibit most or all of these traits are often diagnosed with personality disorders or mental illnesses including Autism, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Schizoid Personality Disorder, Paranoid Personality Disorder, Antisocial Personality Disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, or Anakastic Personality Disorder (being obsessed with lists, details, rules, and over-organization). People diagnosed with one or more of these disorders usually have the inability to adapt, change, or "roll with it". However, you don't have to have a disorder to be inflexible. The causes can be a combination of intrinsic personality traits combined with life's challenges, experiences, and disappointments.
Life is constantly changing. Loved ones die, babies are born, people fall in love, people break up, people lose jobs and change jobs, people are given unexpected, heavy responsibilities, accidents happen, bones break, cars break, computers break, roofs leak, promises are broken, planes don't run on time, people get sick, financial burdens occur, people disappoint you. These are just a few of life's unexpected changes, but there are many, many more. The only thing certain about life is that change is constant. If you expect things to stay the way they are, just wait five minutes. It's sure to change, and things rarely go quite like you think they will.
How do you deal with an inflexible person?
Inflexible people often communicate in brusque, impatient, defensive ways. They can be insensitive and downright rude, and often don't even realize they are offending others. Here are a few tips in dealing with Mr. or Ms. Inflexible!
Inflexible people often communicate in brusque, impatient, defensive ways. They can be insensitive and downright rude, and often don't even realize they are offending others. Here are a few tips in dealing with Mr. or Ms. Inflexible!
1. Don't become inflexible yourself. Don't match their tone, attitude, or level of stubbornness. You may be tempted to go there, but don't take the bait.
2. Try and deal with them on an unemotional level. Stick to the facts, even if they become overly emotional. Don't reflect or match their level of emotion. Speak in soft, even, firm tones, look them in the eye, and try to appear overly calm (even if they are upset and driving you crazy).
3. When you disagree, do it assertively and respectfully. You can even say things like, "I understand how you feel, but I respectfully disagree. Here's why...". If you need them to make a change or do something, use phrases like, "Are you willing to _____" or "Will you consider _____ ". This reminds them that they actually do have choices. Most non-adapters behave the way they do because they feel they have no choice but to do it one single way, THEIR way. They rarely see multiple solutions, options, or multiple sides of a problem.
4. Listen to what they say, and repeat it back to them. "So what I hear you saying is, you are upset because _______. Is that right?". Most non-adapters live in a constant state of angst, and rarely even understand why they feel the way they do. This helps to focus the conversation to the issue at hand rather than allowing conversations to rabbit-trail toward every subject under the sun.
5. Do not let inflexible people dominate group discussions. You may have to monitor this overbearing personality in a group discussion. Often, inflexible people intimidate other people who don't know how to handle them. Don't be one of the victims of their group control. Set clear boundaries at the start of a meeting or group discussion. If someone is dominating a conversation, say things like, "I need you to hold your questions/comments until the end of the discussion. Please write them down and we'll come back to you before we close. We want to give everyone a chance to respond". If the low-flexer simply won't let an issue go and holds everyone hostage with their attitude, make a meeting rule that only positive, constructive comments are permitted. If someone has negative or critical words to share, they can submit them to the facilitator in writing before or after the meeting. I worked for an organization who had two people that were simply not permitted to attend certain meetings because of their lack of flexibility, patience, respect, and understanding of the ideas of others. If they can't play nicely, they are not allowed on the playground. Period. No bullies allowed.
6. Adapt to them. They will lash out like caged animals if they feel pressured. Remember, they are incapable of being flexible, and they think they are always right. It's best to offer them 2 or 3 options and solutions in which you can adapt to their needs.
7. Accept, embrace, and answer their discomforts, complaints, and fears. Affirm that you hear them, understand them, and empathize, even if you think it's ridiculous. Do not tell them everything will work out, all will be fine, etc. They will not believe you, and you will only get more outbursts from them when you make those comments. They need to be validated, and to be reassured that something will be done about their issue(s).
8. Use the 3 to 1 rule. Say three positive things for every one of their negative comments. Often this sounds a lot like you're just "looking on the bright side", which is exactly what you are doing. They can only see dark, narrow outcomes. Show them that positive outcomes are possible.
9. Admire their strengths. Remind them that their dependability, consistency, and reliability bring stability and strength to your relationship or organization. They usually need more affirmation than the average person, and need to feel valued and appreciated.
10. Establish rituals and routines that you can both live with. Low-flex individuals need to feel like their expectations will be met, so create norms that they can count on. When most of life is manageable, it's easier to handle the things you can't control.
Can a low-flex, non-adapter really change? How is that possible?
Do you identify as a low-flex personality? Would people closest to you describe you as having great difficulty adapting to life changes? Here are a few things you can do to begin to evolve toward a more flexible you. Remember, you'll be happier and more at peace when you can learn to embrace change rather than fight it.
Do you identify as a low-flex personality? Would people closest to you describe you as having great difficulty adapting to life changes? Here are a few things you can do to begin to evolve toward a more flexible you. Remember, you'll be happier and more at peace when you can learn to embrace change rather than fight it.
1. Stop whining. When something unexpected happens, say, "I'll handle it" rather than complaining about why it happened, who's fault it is, why it has upset you, how this always happens to you, and why life is unfair. Just shut-up and handle it! They say the size of your character is a reflection of the size of the things that bother you. Were you diagnosed with cancer today? Did you suddenly lose your job? Did a loved one die today in an accident or from illness? Then you have a right to be upset and complain. However, if you burned your toast, if someone was rude to you, if traffic was bad, if your flight was cancelled, or if you are having a bad hair day, these are not whine-worthy topics. Keep your complaints to yourself and deal with it.
2. Eliminate "right and wrong" from your vocabulary and your attitude. In fact, eliminate these extremes from your life altogether. Outside of things like murder, cruelty, hate, and intolerance, there is very little that is truly black and white in this world. Try and stop viewing everything in extremes. We live in a gray world, not a black and white one.
3. Develop coping mechanisms. How do you "change your channel"? Go for a walk, turn off all of your screens and get outside. Also, you can spend time that person who always makes you feel better about you! Do something kind for someone else, like surprise someone in need with a home cooked meal, or a gift they may need or want. Doing things for yourself and others improves your outlook on life and reminds you that change is not only imminent, it's actually positive.
4. Be open to change. Okay, I realize that's the whole point, but if you don't open your heart, soul, and mind to change, it cannot happen. Don't close your heart, your mind, or your soul to new things. Where you are normally opinionated and closed minded, try and be open and receptive.
5. When plan A doesn't work, use the rest of the alphabet! Let's face it, when does plan A ever actually work? Rarely, if at all. Have a plan B, C, D, E, F, and G to Z ready to go. When you make a plan, look for multiple solutions rather than only one. There are always multiple paths to a good solution. Think outside the box.
6. Use positive self-talk. Do you call yourself names under your breath? Are you chronically impatient? Do you constantly curse to yourself, criticize yourself and others, and make negative comments in your head about what is happening around you? STOP IT. Replace that negative self talk with truth talk. Tell yourself you can do it. (Sometimes I actually say aloud, 'Wendy, you've GOT THIS.' Forgive yourself and others. You are human, and no one is perfect.
7. Don't blame yourself. Low-flexers frequently carry the weight of the world on their shoulders. Newsflash: the world will not spin off of its axis if you don't accomplish everything on your to-do list today. The sun will rise tomorrow even if that person you counted on let's you down, doesn't show for the big meeting, or loses money for your business. Life goes on. Again, always forgive yourself and others, and move forward toward new beginnings.
8. Dream big. Let yourself dream a little! What if money, education, and circumstances were not obstacles for you. How would you invest your time and your life? What would your life look like? What career would you like to have? Would you have a significant other, and what would that relationship look like? What kinds of people would be your friends? What hobbies would your dream-life have? Think about it, visualize it, and begin to make it happen. You have choices.
9. Develop life balance. Learn how to balance your life by becoming grounded, clear-headed, calm, and inspired. Fill your life with the things and people that provide balance in your life. Take a yoga class. Read a good book. Talk to a life coach or counselor. Attend a motivational seminar. Get plenty of sleep, drink less alcohol, and eat a healthy diet. All of these things contribute to life balance. Nobody has it all together all the time, and we need balance to keep us on track during the tough times.
10. Stop waiting! Life is happening now! Stop telling yourself you'll be happy when this or that happens - when you get that promotion, when you find your soul mate, when you make that big sale, when you're out of debt, when you have kids, when the kids are grown, when you retire, when you build your dream home, when you lose that 20 pounds - stop waiting to have fun and be happy, and BE HAPPY NOW!
Low-flex, non-adaptable people are not bad people. In fact, most of them are very good people who desire to do the right thing, please others, and follow the rules. They just can't help but be rigid. It's in their DNA.
Let's learn to work with, live with, and love the low-flexers.
Sometimes the difficult people are the ones who need our love and understanding the most.
Let's learn to work with, live with, and love the low-flexers.
Sometimes the difficult people are the ones who need our love and understanding the most.
