If you follow me on Facebook or Twitter, you have probably surmised that I am currently dealing with a small group of cruel, toxic people in my personal life. I'm an empath by nature, with emotional radar and intuition that would rival the greatest psychic! I am also strong and analytic, and do not like to be led by my emotions. I rarely let negative emotions show, although sometimes I feel them intensely, especially when my radar picks up on negativity in others. I try to only share positive energy, and I try to process the negative stuff internally. However, I have failed miserably in trying to handle this situation within myself. It's too much for me, and there are many days I feel utterly defeated.
I'm trying to gain as much counsel right now from friends, counselors, and insightful reading material as possible, because I am baffled by these toxic people. I honestly just don't get it, and I don't know how to handle it. Nothing in my life has prepared me for this kind of hatred and the cruel attack of my character and my spirit.
There is plenty of content in cyberland which offers advice on dealing with toxic people in the workplace. But what about toxic people who exist in your personal life? The work people don't matter. I can leave work stuff at work. But the people in your personal life have the power to really hurt you. These are the people who should love you, not hate you. And although I hate to admit it, they are hurting me.
I came across an article that seems to address my challenges, and I wanted to share some insight with you that I've gleaned from this little gem. Sometimes you read the right words at the right time, and every word written here seems to speak directly to my situation. The article is 10 Intelligent Ways to Deal with The Most Common Types of Toxic People from iheartintelligence.com by Monique Abrams. The things I'm sharing today come directly from this article.
Let's start with where I am today, suffering the consequences of the toxic people in my life. It's simple. Toxic people poison you, and poison makes you sick. The poison usually manifests itself through stress, anxiety, depression, and even physical illness. There are hundreds of articles and books on the topic of the physical, mental and emotional effects of stress and anxiety, so I won't elaborate here, except to say that it's as lethal as a poisonous snake bite.
Unfortunately, knowing that someone is toxic and even why someone is toxic doesn't really arm you with the tools to deal with them effectively. Sociopathic, narcissistic, selfish, angry, evil, intolerant people are the way they are because of a variety of reasons: chemical imbalance issues, tragedy in their lives, overindulgence by parents, lack of accountability in their lives, mental illness, abuse, the list goes on and on. It doesn't really matter why they are toxic. I cannot change anyone - each of us can change ourselves with the will to change, and with lots of tools and help. What matters to me is learning to minimize the effects of toxic people on me, and those I care about.
Here are 10 Intelligent Ways to Deal with the Most Common Types of Toxic People.
1. Eliminate or evaluate. Toxic people are charismatic, thrive on creating chaos, and prey on weaker people. If they cannot get you to join their point of view, you become their enemy. To them, you exist only to suit their needs. Limit your exposure, and never ever trust them.
2. Do not ignore their bad behavior. Don't stick your head in the sand and pretend it isn't happening, because it's not going away simply because your eyes are closed. Acknowledge their behavior and do not take the Pollyanna approach. They are real, their poison is real, and the stress they are causing you and others is real. It is unlikely that you can reason with them directly, but you can be on your guard and always expect the worst from them.
3. Seek counsel and vent to friends. Your support people know you, they see the chinks in your armor and the weaknesses in your approach. They can help you see alternate perspectives in your situation. Seek insight from people who are wise and not emotionally invested in the situation. Do not seek counsel from people who get even angrier than you are and rush to your immediate defense. This only fuels your painful stress and does not offer solutions.
4. Set limits and establish boundaries. This goes without saying, but it is especially important if the toxic people are in your family, extended family, friend group, or if they are your life partner and live with you. If they are constant complainers, ask them what they plan to do to fix the problem. If they are passive-aggressive in their negativity, draw the poison into the light and don't let them punish you with "I'm fine". "There's nothing wrong." "It doesn't matter anyway." These are passive-aggressive phrases that toxic people use to try and punish you, indirectly shaming and blaming you for things you don't even know about.
5. Value self-awareness. Intelligent people who are dealing with toxic people need to know when to take a time-out, when to calm down before responding, when to seek counsel, and when to regroup. It's okay to do these things to take care of yourself.
6. Become thick-skinned. This is a rather controversial statement, as it appears to contradict the wisdom and kindness of sensitivity and empathy. However, if you are an antenna picking up on everything around you, you are a prime target for a toxic person. Easy prey. Thick-skinned people know what to let in and what not to allow into their bubble. They learn not to take things personally, especially cruelty from toxic people. Healthy balance is the goal. Learn to be thin-skinned and thick-skinned based on whom you can trust, and when each will be helpful, not hurtful.
7. Ask questions, listen, and wait. Being in the spotlight is a toxic person's weakness! They cannot hide their horrible attitude and cruelty when they're in the spotlight. They do their best work in the dark, through gossip, and in the "dark alley" conversations, not in public. Put truth and reason on the pedestal where you call them out on their indiscretions. They will respond one of two ways: 1) They will explode, embarrass, and expose themselves as they erupt and spew their poison, or 2) They will offer a long stream of bad excuses for bad choices that everyone will recognize as false. Either way, if you have to enter confrontation, ask direct questions without responding in kind and attacking them. This is a difficult skill to develop, but can be key to managing toxic people in your life.
8. Choose your battles. Fight only when it is worth fighting for. There are some situations that require putting the toxic person in their place before they hurt others by spreading their chaos. If you don't protect the people you care about, you are actually enabling them and contributing to their toxicity. This should not be a primal, fight or flight response, but rather a thoughtful, firm stance rooted in reason and strength, not rooted in pain or defensiveness. Truth and reason are your greatest tools.
9. Focus on the end goals. A toxic person can take you on a long journey (sometimes years, decades, or a lifetime) of emotional instability. When you finally resurface, you find yourself asking, "How did I end up here?". Remember, the end goal is to rid yourself of the poison, and creating immunity to that poison. Remember that in the moments of your worst pain and anger, this too shall pass. Those feelings will not last forever, and you will rise above it and move on. You will be a whole, happy person regardless of how they choose to live and behave.
10. Forgive, but do not forget. Forgiveness does not require trust. Forgiveness will keep you from developing bitterness, resentment, and hate in your own heart. You do not want to become like them. Toxic people work very hard to create other toxic zombies with their poison. You can choose to forgive them, and you can choose to let it go. However, you never need trust them again. You never have to forget the pain and stress they caused you, and you never have to allow it back into your life. You have the power to choose your path. Toxic people only have as much power as you allow them to have.
Remember, toxic people will stop at nothing to hurt others. They lie, they cheat, they abuse, they hit below the belt, they spew venom, and their goal is to get as many people as possible to feel exactly like they do so that they feel supported. It's like zombies creating other zombies. It's like Nazis recruiting other Nazis.
I am working to develop my "superhero" empathic powers to the point of being unaffected by toxic people. I have a lot to learn, but I'm on my way. These 10 tips really helped me, and I hope they help you as well.
Darkness is fragile and weak. Even the smallest light chases it away.
Let's let our light shine in the darkness!
