Be Still

Cannot sleep this summer’s night
Breezes bathing deep repose
Mother’s goodnight lullaby
Drifting, lifting, rhythm slow
Crickets keep time with my soul

Winter’s Summer, Solstice sun
Afrikaans sing midnight blue
Colors real here, they began here
Other shades are Deja vu
Whispers of the thing that’s true

January’s diamond stars
Patterns traced in waking dreams
All misunderstandings pause
Southern Cross and Pleiades
Meditation flows from these

Lost in sadness lingering
Faith and feelings yet defined
Though I try I cannot sing
Lost love letters left unsigned
Hopes like shadows cast behind

What is man but sand and clay
Stained glass windows erudite
Decorating walls by day
Shining glorious by night
Beauty born from inner light

When I sleep I dare not dream
When I dream I dare not breathe
Frightened by the powers unseen
Demons chant with no reprieve
Devils dare me to believe

I hear deep call unto deep
Waterfall and whip por will
Pray the Lord my soul to keep
In this season dark and shrill
Speaking silently, Be still

Today

Today

I don’t feel brave.

I don’t want to read the words

That people with good intentions write

To try and help me make sense

Of senseless pain and despair.

Today

I don’t want to be told

That it will be okay

Because nothing will ever be okay again.

Nothing about this is okay.

It’s not supposed to be like this.

Today

I don’t want to hear

About how your loved one was healed

By miracle methods that saved his life

By prayer and power that defied all logic

About websites and wizards who can surely fix this.

Today

I’m so very tired

Of watching the one I love most in the world

Hurting, fading, fighting, holding on

And there’s nothing I can do

But say, “I love you. I’m here.”

Today

I don't need thoughts and prayers

Cakes and casseroles

"If there's anything I can do...".

What I need is to have him back

Whole, healthy, full of life and love.

Today

I want to wake up

To find this was all just a bad dream.

That it’s not really happening.

But it is happening.

My worst fears are my reality.

Today

I’m aching for what was.

I’m grieving for what will never be.

I’m afraid of the loneliness I feel now

And the loneliness that is sure to come.

I’m terrified of facing life without him.