POISON PEOPLE

If someone presented you with a bottle that was clearly marked “poison” and told you to drink it, you would probably call the police and have that weirdo arrested for trying to kill you.  Or you would at least label that person “cra-cra” and promptly remove them from your life.  We learn from a very young age that poison kills, and that it doesn’t always come from a bottle.  Poison is powerful.  Poison is deadly.  Poison can make you sick for a very long time and then kill you, or it can kill you swiftly and violently, depending on how potent it is.  

I am one of those odd people with food allergies.  I really hate having food allergies, and I hate being high-maintenance.   But if I want to stay alive and feel well, I have to know what makes me sick and stay away from it.  The things other people eat every day could literally kill me.  I’ve seen dozens of doctors, nutritionists and specialists over the years to find out what I can do to heal these allergies, and the answer is always the same:  You cannot fix this.  You must avoid YOUR “poison and stick with what makes YOU healthy.”   I have to avoid things like dairy products, many fruits and nuts, some vegetables, shellfish, peanuts, chicken and beef.  (And you are probably thinking, what’s left to eat?  That’s what I’m always thinking, too!)

There is physical poison, the kind you ingest physically, but there is also heart poison that we ingest that affects our hearts, minds and souls.  The things that poison our hearts and minds don’t usually come with a big danger label.  In fact, they often come in a desirable package.  My food allergies were diagnosed later in life, when I was in my thirties.  Sometimes our “heart poison” is diagnosed later in life as well.  We finally realize that a certain experience, person, place, or thing acts like a poison to us, and we should avoid it altogether.  And we are happier, healthier people when we stay far away from these poisons.

 I am a self-professed “people-person”, an extrovert who actually loves the company of almost everybody.  I love learning about others and their life stories.  I sincerely believe that all people have value, that they have a purpose, and that all humans are full of gifts and potential.  But all people can become sick and damaged over time.  I also recognize that there are some poisonous people in my universe, and when I spend time with those people, I become heart-sick.  I literally feel sick in my soul after being around someone who is outwardly bitter, negative, angry and resentful..  A younger me always wanted to dilute the poison with goodness, and hopefully drive the poison out of the sick person like an exorcism!  But the older, wiser me has learned that doesn’t always work.  Poisonous people infect other people and make them poisonous, too.  It’s like zombies making other zombies.  

Do certain people in your life pop up in your mind when I say “poison people”?  I’m sure you know a few.  Their behavior can manifest in something as extreme as abuse, violence, and control, or something as benign as chronic moodiness, and discontentment.  And just like my food allergies, a person might be poisonous to you, but not necessarily to the world at large.  They often come in lovely packages, and we are drawn in by their “bling”.  Sometimes we become deeply connected to a person before we realize the danger signs.  When my 22 year old son was four years old, he said something very insightful.   We had just come from lunch with a new friend of mine, and her little girl.  This was someone who was pursuing a deeper friendship with me, but I had mixed feelings about it because I found her to be extremely sarcastic and she was always talking negatively about others.  But she was stunningly beautiful, so others were drawn to her.  After lunch, I asked Spencer what he thought about her and he said, “Well, I think she’s pretty.  But she’s MEAN-pretty.  I don’t like her.”  And that about summed it up.

 

How do we deal with poison people?  Here are a few tips:

·      If you have a choice to remove a poison person from your life, DO IT.  They are a cancerous, deadly presence in your life, and you should go to extremes to remove ANYTHING or ANYONE that will rob you of peace and happiness.

·      If you have to engage them, WEAR A HAZMAT SUIT!  Come prepared.  Expect them to be just as nasty as they can be, because they will be.  Have a prepared response for every possible behavior and stick to it, even if they push your buttons or you start to feel sick inside.

·      Create boundaries.  Guess what?  You don’t HAVE to let anyone mistreat you, or anyone you love.  You do not have to subject yourself to negativity.  You have a choice!  Limit your time with them by setting a clear beginning and ending time to your encounter.  If things get uncomfortable, be prepared to continue your conversation or meeting later.  If it is hurting you, get out!

·      Don’t try to fight them or fix them.  Chances are, the person you’re dealing with has been this way for years, and you’re not going to be able to change them or reason with them.  Stay calm, stay controlled, and rise above whatever negativity is being spewed on you.  One of my life phrases is, “You can’t argue with crazy.”  And you really can’t.

·      Spend lots of time with POSITIVE ENERGY people!  Who are the people who fill your tank?  Who are the people who make you feel better about you and about life, and every time you’re around them you’re happier and more energized?  Who are the people you admire and want to be more like?  Find them and spend time with them!

·      End the cycle.  People who hurt others with their negativity, either intentionally or otherwise, do so in cycles.  There is a hurtful action, then conflict, then kindness shown to earn your trust back, then we let them back in.  DON’T DO IT.  If someone is a negative presence in your life, they always will be.  You are lying to yourself if you think it will ever change – it won’t.

·      If there is someone specific who is a destructive force in your life, try writing a letter to them that you never send.  The act of communicating with them in writing gives you the opportunity to get your feelings out on paper, and it is a very healthy exercise.  You will feel better.

·      Anchor yourself in the truth.  Someone else’s negativity is really a reflection of how they feel about themselves, not how they feel about you.  They have become sick inside.  Just like a person with rabies or mental illness, this behavior doesn’t reflect the healthy person they once were, it reflects the sick person they are today. 

Sadly, we all have the potential to become “poison people”.  Life throws terrible things at us at times, and we are devastated, hurt, broken.  But if we avoid the poison people and we surround ourselves with positive people and influences, we bill become BETTER, not BITTER.