THE MOST IMPORTANT RELATIONSHIP IN MY LIFE

Someone asked me a very important question recently.  "What is the most important relationship in your life right now?"  If I had been asked this same question at age 16, 26 or 36, I would have given a different answer than I would give today, at 46.  I probably would have tried to say the right thing.  I would have talked about my relationships with my family, my children, God, my friends, and how these relationships are the foundation of my life’s happiness.  I might have repeated something that was actually someone else’s answer, something I read in a book or heard from a trusted authority.  I would have said something that sounded appropriate and good.

I’m sure that my friend was actually trying to ask if I was involved in a romantic relationship right now.  I am asked this same question quite often in different ways, and it doesn’t bother me at all.  Yet those of us who find ourselves “single” in this mid-life season are keenly aware that most of our friends and family have lives that revolve around a life partner.  They sometimes assume that all single people are desperately seeking love and fulfillment through another person.  I know many couples that are incredibly happy, in love, and compatible, and plan to be together for life.  I know many others who are together, but are very unhappy and incompatible.  They swing back and forth on the unstable pendulum of obligation and frustration.  I’ve personally experienced both ends of that spectrum.  Having a committed partner in life does not necessarily equate to happiness, although it’s wonderful when two people are truly right for each other and have a loving, supportive relationship.  But we all know that whether we are in easy or difficult relationships in our lives, they all require a great deal of effort and understanding.

Our culture is always pushing the “you’ll be happy when…” concept.  You’ll be happy when you find the love of your life.  You’ll be happy when you become a parent.  You’ll be happy when you finish your education.  You’ll be happy when you land that dream job or succeed in your career.  You’ll be happy when you have more money, pay off those bills, buy that dream house, when reach your health and fitness goals, when take that dream vacation or buy that very expensive toy you’ve always wanted.  You’ll be happy when you master that skill or hobby.  You’ll be happy when your kids are safely launched in the world, and everyone you love is happy and healthy.  You fill in the blank.  But if happiness is tied to something “out there” that is always just out of reach, it breeds discontentment.  If happiness always depends on our life circumstances or our romantic relationships, then it is very fragile indeed because those things are constantly changing.  This way of thinking actually makes the assumption that you’re not really living until that “thing” happens in your life.  Those of us who have not reached those milestones are just biding our time, creeping along toward our goals, waiting for the magic to begin.

So, what is the most important relationship in my life right now?  Great question.

 I wanted to answer this relationship question honestly, and I know that my answer was quite a surprise.  It surprised me too, actually.  My answer was one that has taken years of time for me to learn, and I needed to really know myself to answer it honestly.  The most important relationship I will ever have is the relationship I have with myself.  If I am at peace within myself, then I can be at peace with my world.  If I am struggling within myself, then all of life seems a struggle.  This is difficult concept for a "giver" extrovert like me, who has always drawn my happy energy from making others happy.  The things that motivate me are external.  Helping others reach their goals, providing events and experiences that make people happy, helping others solve problems and find solutions, reach their potential. I am a born performer, and I love applause. The more the merrier, in my world.  Big parties and big crowds equals big fun!  I am happiest when I have the privilege of bringing happiness to other people through work, music, events, and friendship.  I like making people’s lives better.  I am a born communicator and connector.  But people like me can get totally out of balance when we place more value on the relationships we have with others and their happiness than we do on our core relationship with ourselves.  Putting our needs first doesn’t come naturally for us, and in our pursuit of making the world a better place, we forget to make sure that WE are okay, too.  We forget to make time to be still and refuel.

There are many people who cannot relate to this concept at all.  I really admire these folks, because they are hardwired to naturally take care of themselves and their own personal world.  These “internally” motivated people are not too hung up on how everybody else is doing, but they are keenly aware of how things are in their internal universe.  What makes them most happy is not necessarily the happiness of everyone else, (although it matters), but having their own world in order, with plenty of time to do what they want and need to do.  These are the truly independent souls in the universe, those who do not live to please others or have the love and approval of the world around them.  They do their thing, and are happiest when they are doing it.  These are the self-actualizers, the sometimes-loners, the people who don’t necessarily need to be needed.  They also don’t necessarily need other people to make them happy – they can do that all on their own.  In fact, the very thought of being needed or having to meet the expectations of others is exhausting to them.  They prefer a few close friends to large groups of people, and they love their alone time.  I know many lovely people who are wired this way, and some of the people closest to me are like this, even several of my own children.  They are not selfish or uncaring, they are just motivated internally, not externally.

Ironically, I am learning that you cannot really love or help anyone else if you don’t love and take care of yourself.  And you cannot find that elusive “happiness” that feels just out of reach if you don’t find it within yourself to begin with.  Caring for your own needs doesn't make you selfish, it just keeps you grounded and balanced so that you can love the rest of the world, and live your life to the fullest.  I know so many people who have actually arrived at all of those “happiness” milestones, and they are still discontent.   They have it all, and yet they are not happy.  Why?  Because happiness isn’t actually “out there” at all.  It’s been right inside of us, all along.  

I will be the first to admit that successful circumstances, nice things and true love DOES add greatly to our happiness in life!  Those are things I want in my own life, too.  But if I am not in a right relationship with myself, then even these fulfilled dreams will leave me feeling empty in the end.  And conversely, if I am in right relationship with myself, then I don’t have to have all of my dreams fulfilled or perfect circumstances to be truly happy.  I can be happy in this moment, even if life today is less than ideal.

Who is the person we spend the most time with in our lives?  Ourselves. 

Our relationship with ourselves is the most important relationship of all.

To find out more about what truly motivates YOU, take this online quiz.  Be sure and share your results with me, and I'll share mine with you!  

http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/jtypes2.asp