You’ve Got A Friend
What is our biggest fear as humans, and what is our deepest
need? I think our biggest fear is
rejection, followed by loneliness. We
might initially think that our biggest fear is failure, but we can handle even
the biggest failures in life if we know the people we love and respect won’t reject
us when we fail. Rejection is the thing
we fear most, and feeling lonely follows closely behind. We fear rejection in love, in work, in
relationships with friends and family, and in everything we do. When we choose to reveal the deepest places
in our soul to another person, we risk rejection.
We feel this way because we actually reject ourselves, at
some level. We don’t like the deep dark
places. We know who we are, including
all of the unlovely parts. How could
anyone really see us as we are, and accept us?
So we keep our ugliness hidden away.
We slap on some lip gloss and designer clothes, we cover ourselves up in
religion and politics (or ANTI religion and politics), we hide away in hobbies,
families, vacations, bottles of wine and prescription drugs, we present a
rather pristine image through social media.
We work hard at presenting ourselves, as we desperately want to be
seen. We are marketing experts! We are fine, thanks. We are great.
We are good citizens and parents and spouses and human beings. We go to church, we save animals, we recycle,
we give to the poor, we wash our cars and vote and volunteer, and we have never
murdered anybody. But deep down we have
needs that are unseen, and often go unmet.
What is our deepest need
as humans? I think it is to have another
soul see us for who we are, warts and all, and to truly accept us and love us. It is to have someone know us completely,
inside and out, and love us in spite of ourselves. It is to connect fully with another soul – to
know and be known, hiding nothing. Full
disclosure, with total love and acceptance.
We want this in romance, with friends, with family, with coworkers. We want to be real, and to be loved for the
real people that we are. That kind of
love and connection is extraordinary.
That is what we all need. That is
what we all long for. I can sum it up in
two words: Intimate friendship.
Whether you are a man or woman, from Mars or Venus, full
disclosure with another person requires a huge amount of trust. It requires having an inside-out heart –
turning your heart inside out so that another person sees the dark parts too,
the nooks and crannies, the fears and failures, the underbelly. It’s risky, because that’s how hearts get
broken. That’s how lives become shattered. What if someone we trust decides to betray
our secrets, our trust, and our love? What if they abandon us? It
happens. It hurts. We learn this early on in life, and we learn
to compensate and protect ourselves. It’s
part of the risk you take when you choose to connect fully with another human
soul.
But I am learning that the risk of being hurt is well worth
the reward. The greatest gift in life is
intimate friendship. I have been
incredibly blessed (and I don’t throw that word around lightly) in my life with
friends who outshine even the most loyal definition of what friendship should
be. They are friend “superheroes” to
me. And I want to be that kind of
friend, too.
Top 10 Reasons We Need A Friend
1.
Love.
You need that one person who loves you, every minute of every day, no
matter what. You know they’re out there
and that they love you, even if you don’t see or talk to them every day.
2.
Connection. The ability to connect soul-to-soul,
effortlessly, holding nothing back.
3.
Support.
No matter what choices you make in life, they’ve got your back. They’re the ones holding your hand while you
head into surgery, wiping your tears when your heart is broken, holding your
head when you’re hung over, or posting your bail when you do something stupid.
4.
Cheerleader. We need our own cheering section! That person shouting our name, telling us we
can DO THIS. They believe in us even
when we don’t believe in ourselves.
5.
Honesty.
Ouch. The one who speaks the truth
in love. They love us enough to call us
on the carpet when we are wrong, and tell us what we need to hear. They always have our best interest in mind
with the goal of helping.
6.
Perspective. They pull our heads out of our (ahem) dark
places. They give us a new attitude. They ask us to consider another viewpoint
when we’re stuck in the loop of negative thinking.
7.
Life Coach. They take time to work with us, to coach us
through problems, challenges, and complex situations. They help us with our playbook, our game
plan. They sometimes even call the plays
for us when we need it. We learn to rely
on their voice and their instruction. They
help us and make us better.
8.
Loyalty.
They are the 3am phone call when we’re awake and panicking. They drop everything they are doing when we
need them. They are there for us,
always, no questions asked.
9.
Laughter.
They make us laugh till we cry.
They make us laugh WHEN we’re crying.
They jolly us out of the tar pit and pull us back into the
sunshine. They feed us hot fudge sundaes
and watch trashy TV with us.
10. Intimacy. This is really what it’s all about. It’s the heart, mind, and soul
connection. This is life energy. It is what we need most.
Maybe you’re in a lonely season and you don’t have an intimate friend in your life right now. The best way to find a friend like this is to
BE one. Take the initiative to make that
call, send that text or email, and get together for coffee or dinner. Be the friend you wish you had. Choose wisely. You’ll be glad you did.
One of my favorite movies is “It’s A Wonderful Life”. At the end of the movie, Clarence the angel writes a note to George Bailey that says, “No man is a failure who has friends.” And that’s the truth.
Here’s my favorite
friendship song.
Dedicated to YOU, my friends, with
love.
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