LOVE IN REAL LIFE

Last winter when the world was snowy and rather dull, I did something I’ve always wanted to do. I surveyed 120 of my friends and asked them this question: “What are the top 5 most important non-physical qualities you need in a life partner?” The demographics of the group I surveyed were 50% men, 50% women between the ages of 30 and 75 years old. 85% had a college degree or higher, 54% were currently in a committed relationship and 46% were not currently in a committed relationship. 95% earned between 50K and 200K per year (individual income, not household income). I had responses from people in 6 countries, and the folks who responded were 70% white and 30% black, Hispanic or other. 75% were heterosexual, 20% were homosexual, and 5% were bisexual or undecided.

Of the 54% who were in a committed relationship, only 20% of those surveyed said they were “content, and feel they had chosen the right partner”. That means that 80% of people of the people I surveyed who are in committed relationships were “discontent”, “would not choose that same partner if they had it to do over again”, and “have no hope of every having an intimate connection” with their current partner. I did not ask the “breakup” or “divorce” question, because the world has enough stats on that already. 10% were completely happy, and 10% were indifferent. These results were surprising and sad. 

Of the 46% who were not in a committed relationship, 80% said they were “hopeful they would find a life partner within the next 5 years”. 20% said they were “not interested in a relationship” or “indifferent”. Of the 46% who were not in a relationship, 95% felt that they were confident about what they were looking for in another person, and that these qualities had changed since their “first” committed relationship. 5% of these people had never been in a long-term relationship. This is hopeful news. Seems like the people who were unattached have apparently learned things the hard way, and are taking their time to find the right person.

These demographics are important in quantifying these responses because I wanted to know exactly who my responders were. This is the first time I have done something like this, and it was a fascinating study! I left the answers open ended, so people could list any top-5 qualities that were most important to them. In other words, I did not suggest qualities in a multiple choice fashion, I asked them to list them on a blank slate.

Here are the results. I will form my own summary at the end, but the results speak for themselves.

•      100% need someone supportive. These answers came in the form of, “someone who believes in me, someone who helps me reach my goals, someone who listens, someone who wants to be my true partner.”
•       98% listed a positive attitude as the most important quality in a partner.
•       89% listed physical intimacy as very important to them.  
•      86% said that faithfulness/trust was critical.
•       70% said that friendship was critical. These answers were things like, “I want a partner who is my best friend, someone to laugh and have fun with, someone with whom I share similar interests.”
•       68% stated that having a common life/world view was important to them. This involved answers about politics, religion, views on marriage, family, raising children, and lifestyle.
•       49% said they needed someone who was emotionally balanced, patient, reliable, stable, understanding, a good listener, forgiving.
•       46% said they needed someone who was financially responsible.
•       46% said they wanted to be with someone who was their intellectual equal.
•      40% listed a healthy lifestyle as important to them.
•       39% used words like, “fun, easy to be with, relaxed, confident, doesn’t overreact, not overly emotional, not intense”.
•       35% said they wanted someone authentic, real, down to earth.

After reading about 25 surveys, I could have easily predicted the answers on the remaining 100 surveys. I was shocked that everyone’s top 5 answers were nearly the same. Issues like support and positive attitude appeared on nearly every single person’s survey.

So what do we learn from this? Firstly, this is a segment of society, not society at large. But we can learn several things from these results:

•       Most people DO want a life partner, and feel they will find this person in time.
•      Most people feel they did not choose the right person(s) in present/past committed relationships.
•      A healthy sex life is very important in relationships. Period.
•      Most people want a positive, happy, supportive, balanced, best friend to share their life with.
•      Many people want to enjoy life with their partner and share interests and activities.
•      Being supported emotionally by a life partner is just about the most important thing to most people (other than having a positive person as a partner). These things apparently go hand in hand.

In summary, here is what people said they were looking for:

"I need someone who is supportive, interested in me physically and sexually, believes in me, wants to help me and work as a team, is my best friend, has fun with me, shares a common world view, wants the same things in life, is patient, balanced, and a good listener, is forgiving, is financially responsible, is my intellectual equal, is not too intense, and is real and down to earth.”

On a side note, I noted that no one used the words “soul mate”, and no one mentioned wealth or material things. No one used words like "excitement" or "thrilling".

There you have it! This is what “Love in real life” looks like.

Whether we are in a committed relationship or not, we need to follow the old saying, “BE THE PERSON YOU ARE LOOKING FOR.”

Here’s hoping everyone finds it, nurtures it, and never lets it go.