MY FORGETTABLE TOP 10!

sin·gle

ˈsiNGɡəl/

adjective

unmarried or not involved in a stable sexual relationship.

I've been divorced now for six years. It happens, and I'm good with it. After 22 years of marriage and raising three great kids, I love my job, my family, my friends, my boyfriend (who shall remain private for now), and my life. I feel whole and happy.

Over the years I have had many well meaning people question me about this. They don't actually come right out and ask me why I'm not publicly with anyone, but they say things... inappropriate things... misogynistic things... intrusive things! Apparently women of a certain age cannot function without a partner, and I am to be pitied. According to these folks, any relatively normal woman my age should arrange her entire life around finding a partner because, hey, you can't possibly be happy without a man in your life, right?

Don't get me wrong, I still believe in love, and I'm very pro-relationship. I also know that every one of these friends who questioned me has my best interest at heart. But holy cow, their ideas and opinions are impertinent, to say the least. I'm not sure if I should feel flattered or offended that people seem to be comfortable sharing their very strong opinions about me WITH me!

Here are the top ten "forgettable comments" people have shared with me about my apparent singleness. These statements from others are actually, verbatim what people have said to me. The answers that follow, however, are not how I actually responded at the time. I'm sure I bit my tongue and tried to be polite. But these responses are the things I wish I had said! Hindsight is glorious, especially when you're caught off guard.

MY FORGETTABLE TOP TEN

10. "Wendy, are you dating? You need to get out there! Have you tried Match.com? My sister tried Match.com and found a man right away! Obviously every woman's goal after divorce should be finding another man right away, and I must not very good at it. I'm happy for your sister, but NO. 

9. "I'd really like you to meet my cousin! He's very successful, some kind of 'ologist' - can't really remember exactly what he does, but he's got a really great job." (Thinking to myself) Oh God yes, please call the 'ologist' and hook me up. Lord knows I need another 'ologist' in my life. So thankful that your primary criteria for my future partner is that he is gainfully employed as an "ologist".

8. "If you appeared a little less independent you'd probably attract someone. Independent women tend to give off a superior vibe, and men are probably intimidated by you. If they think you don't need them, they won't like you." Right. Because everyone who knows me knows how very much I want to appear helpless and needy. NEWSFLASH: It's not 1955, and I'm not June Cleaver or Doris Day. If a man can't handle my independence, he's certainly not the man for me. I'm not changing for anybody, and I'm certainly not going to appear to be less than I am.

7. "Everyone I know has found a husband at my church! It's a great place to meet guys! You should come with me and I'll introduce you around." What a GREAT reason to go to church! Husband hunting! Actually I found my first husband at church, and that didn't exactly end in happily ever after, so no thanks.

6. "You're too pretty to be single." Ummm, is that a compliment or an insult? I think it's both. No, I'm not too pretty to be single. Actually I'm too smart to be involved with someone who is less than I deserve. I'm holding out for the person who is right for me. 

5. "It's amazing that you've been living by yourself for so long. How do you handle things at home? It must be so difficult for you. Who takes out the trash and handles the yard work? What happens when something breaks?" Oh my gosh. I never thought of that! Whatever shall I do??? I do things myself, you HELPLESS FEMALE MORON, and if I can't do it, I hire someone to do it. Just like I did when I was married. 

4. "I really thought you'd be remarried by now. I'm so sorry." Sorry? Are you kidding me? I'm fully embracing my life! I travel the world with my job, spend time with the people I love, and get to live my life pretty much the way I want to live it. I'm actually sorry for YOU, hon. You're married to a man who is the spitting image of Peter from Family Guy with all the charm and panache of a chauvinistic pig. All you do is complain about him and how miserable you are! Yeah, I totally envy that. Please feel sorry for me.

3. "Are you still working through issues from your divorce? It's been such a long time now. You need to move on. Maybe you should see a counselor." Actually, I did see a counselor for a while after my divorce, and it was very helpful and affirming. I'm happier and more at peace than I've been in my whole life. But thanks for assuming that because I don't have a husband, I must have issues. If people aren't married, there must be something wrong with them.

2. "Who do you take to weddings and funerals, and things like that? Is there someone you can call to go with you? You can't go to events like that alone, that would be horrible, and you know how people talk." Well of course I wouldn't dream of going anywhere in public without a date. What would people think? They might think I'm mean, or independent, or antisocial! If I were alone at a wedding, I'd just sit in the corner and cry pathetically while the other ladies rocked the Chicken Dance with their husbands. Believe me, I've had plenty of people talk about me behind my back. Let them talk. My motto is: What other people think about me is none of my business.

AND MY ABSOLUTE FAVORITE:

1. "Are you gay? It's okay if you're gay. But seriously, are you gay? Do your kids know? I mean, you are a Democrat..." Well, I'm a registered Independent, not a Democrat, but Civil Rights for all people are very important to me. I have lots of close friends, both men and women, who are gay. some are in relationships and some are not. If I actually were gay, I certainly wouldn't be hiding it from anyone, especially from my kids! No, I'm not gay. Neither am I in any hurry to discuss my sexuality with a gossip. Why is this important to you, or to anyone else, for that matter? Welcome to 2017. Lots of people are homosexuals. Homosexuality is not a disease, it's not a choice, it's not contagious, and it's not something that randomly happens to you one day. Guess what? Our sexuality - either homosexual, heterosexual, or OTHERsexual, does not define us. It's part of who we are, but it's not all we are. If it is, you've got a major problem, regardless of your personal orientation.

So there you have it!

Please do me a favor. If you have any friends over 40 who are single, please don't judge them, interrogate them, or try to fix them. 

You might be surprised to discover that they aren't even broken.