Wenshine: SURVIVOR 2014!

Wenshine: SURVIVOR 2014!: It’s nearing the end of 2014, with only 5 days left.   If you know me at all, you know I’m usually all Polyanna, sunsh...

SURVIVOR 2014!

It’s nearing the end of 2014, with only 5 days left.  If you know me at all, you know I’m usually all Polyanna, sunshine and rainbows.  I look on the bright side.  I’m a “cup is half full” kinda gal.  I’m one of the happy people, one of the positive people, and a genuine optimist.  But I can honestly say that I’ve never been so glad to see a year come to an end, as I am this one. 

It wasn’t any one tragedy that defined this year for me.  In fact, it was the first year in a long while where there wasn’t a big life change or loss in my life.  Perhaps that’s why it was such a challenge.  I moved out of survival mode and into the murky trenches.  And in the trenches I stayed, for 12 full months, in one form or another.  I camped out on the frontlines, with mud, mess, hand to hand combat, hand grenades, and constant gunfire.  I was in a war, and felt like I was losing it most of the time.  I won’t bore you with the play-by-play, because what happened is really not that important, and the reasons are not that important either.  I experienced both internal and external struggles that were overwhelming for me, and life simply would not let up.  I fought through it one day at a time, and was both a coward and a hero, depending on the day.  The point is, I SURVIVED.  (Cue Gloria Gaynor music for chick anthem.)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PNDl41HfvxI 

I wrote a song in 2011 that turned out to be much more meaningful for me in 2014.  This is the chorus:  

"And I will face the day and rise with courage

And keep pressing on 'till I find peace of mind

Learning to forgive, and know for certain

That love will carry me to the other side

And I know pain is never wasted on the wise." 

That speaks more about who I hope to become than who I actually am, but it is what I'm striving for.   Pain and struggle will make us bitter, or it will make us better, and we get to decide which person we become as a result of hardship in our lives.  I’m working to become a better person as a result of this year of struggle.  I don’t want this pain to be wasted, but instead, to learn everything I can from it so that I don’t repeat it again.

There are life lessons that cannot be learned in the sunshine, but only in the rain.  I learned lots of important things this year.  Some are lessons I thought I had learned already, but apparently I needed a total PHD in a few areas, not just an undergrad degree.

If you had a challenging year like I did, I pray that we all find ourselves better, stronger, and clearer than we were before.

Here is my "Top 25 Things I Learned in 2014".  I hope you make your own list too, and share it with me.  Let's celebrate the lessons learned, and look forward new beginning in 2015!

 

1.     I can be alone without being lonely, because I actually enjoy my own company.

2.     What other people say or think about me is none of my business.  What I think about myself, and what I say to myself is what matters most.

3.     Do not ever, under any circumstances, ignore your gut feelings.  They are usually spot-on.

4.     If you need help, ask for it.  Everyone needs help from time to time, and it’s okay to let the ones who love you know how you are, and how they can help you.

5.     Conflict reveals the true character in people.  How someone behaves under extreme stress, loss, failure and pressure reveals who they really are.  Everyone is pleasant in the sunshine, but who people are in the storms of life shows the stuff they are truly made of.

6.     The folks who are with you in the storms are your true friends.  The identity of your true friends just may surprise you.

7.     Everyone faces storms at one time or another.  If they don’t, they’re lying, or they are sociopathic.  (Either way, it’s not good.)

8.     Never allow your day-to-day happiness be determined by the happiness, approval, or decisions of another person.  No one can make you happy but YOU, and no one can make you unhappy unless you let them.

9.     Actions speak louder than words.  Words are important, but mean little if actions do not back them up.

10. We waste a lot of time comparing ourselves to others, but the truth is, most people know even less about what they’re doing in life than you do.  Live your life, take chances, and go for it.  Nobody’s got this life thing totally wired, we’re all winging it.  If people think they’ve got their “shizz” totally together, they are faking it.  I've got zero time for fake people, life’s too short.

11. Don’t spend time with people who make you feel crappy.  Just don’t.  Energy vampires do not get to rent a room in your boarding house.  Kick them out.

12. Get up, get dressed, and get moving.  No matter what. 

13. It’s never too late to start over.

14.  Fear is a tranquilizer gun that paralyzes you.  Face that 3-headed monster head-on, because you have everything within you that you need to defeat it.   It’s like the Wizard Of Oz behind the curtain.  The things you are most afraid of are much smaller than you can possibly imagine. Most fears are irrational, and 99.9% of them never come to pass.

15. If something (or someone) enriches your life, find a way to GET MORE OF THAT!  Make room for the things and people that feed your soul and bring you joy.

16. Whatever you expected to happen won’t happen at all like you expected it to.  In fact, sometimes it’s completely off the map.

17. Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be broken.  Roll with it.

18. Every day is a blank page, and we get to write our own story.  Develop your leading character - that's you!  We can reinvent ourselves again and again.

19. If you’re not the starring role in your own life story, something is TOTALLY out of whack.  No one should be a supporting actor in their own life story.  Don’t give up your leading role to anybody else.  It’s YOUR life.

20. Mind, body, soul and spirit are completely connected.  If one area is unwell or exhausted, it affects all other areas.  Balance is the key to complete health.

21. Keeping secrets, even for the greater good, is toxic, unhealthy, demeaning, and destroys your self-esteem.  Do your best to live above the secret zone.  

22. Anything worthwhile is never, ever going to be easy.   If something is easily gained, it’s probably not worth having.  Fight hard for the things that are worth fighting for.

23. The first step to knowing what you want is learning what you DON’T want.  Determine exactly what you DON'T want, and the things you DO want will begin to take shape.

24.  It is very possible to get the flu just in time for Christmas when you are supposed to host your family for Christmas dinner.  Refer to #16 & #17 when this happens.

25. No one can drive forward successfully while staring in the rear-view mirror.  YOUR PAST DOES NOT DETERMINE YOUR FUTURE.  Eyes forward, keep moving.

The best is yet to come.

 

 

Wenshine: JOURNEYS, JOYS, AND RECONNECTIONS

Wenshine: JOURNEYS, JOYS, AND RECONNECTIONS: I moved a lot when I was growing up.    I lived in Nashville, TN, Peoria, IL, Memphis, TN and Houston, TX, and I attended 10 differ...

JOURNEYS, JOYS, AND RECONNECTIONS

I moved a lot when I was growing up.   I lived in Nashville, TN, Peoria, IL, Memphis, TN and Houston, TX, and I attended 10 different schools during my 12 years of elementary and secondary education.  This offered me a great opportunity to learn the art of making new friends, adjusting to new environments, and embracing change.  I’m someone who loves adventure, new experiences, and constant change.  In fact, even as an adult, I get stir crazy after spending even a few days at home.  I’m grateful for the life I had growing up, and for the opportunity to have lived in so many interesting places.  I’m thankful that my parents provided me with unique opportunities to explore music, sports, education, and culture.  I am thankful to have been raised by creative, open-minded, well-educated parents who understood how very much I needed to experience the wide world around me.

I’m also grateful for the wonderful friends I’ve had the privilege of knowing throughout my life.  Thanks to social media, I’ve been able to reconnect with friends from all of the places I’ve lived in throughout my nearly 47 years of life.  If you are a person who lived in the same house, grew up in the same town, and attended the same school all of your life, you probably can’t relate to this need for people connection.  For you, your connection with people is rooted in the constant "place" where you grew up, and it may be something you’ve always taken for granted.  But for me, home means people, not place.  I felt completely at home in every house and city I ever lived in, but it always felt temporary to me, but the people in my life never felt temporary.   I knew then that I was bonding with very special people.  But I know now that I never allowed myself to emotionally settle in any particular place or location, which I'm finding is very uncommon.  Maybe I knew instinctively that I wouldn't be there forever. 

I moved to a new school nearly every year during my formative years.  I lived in 10 different houses (and my mom made them all incredibly beautiful and comfortable for our family with her gifts of decorating, cooking, entertaining, and hospitality).  I have precious memories from each and every place I’ve lived.  Unfortunately, I lost touch with many dear friends over time.  However, with the advent of the internet, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest and many other social media channels, I have experienced the unexpected gift of friendship reconnection.  I cannot tell you how wonderful it is to reconnect with the girl who sat beside you in the first grade, with your pee-wee cheer squad girlfriends, with your tennis team, with your high school choir director, with your sorority sisters, and with the boy who took you to the senior prom.  

Even though we were just kids growing up in middle class America in the 60’s, 70’s and 80’s, we made a connection with each other.  We were a chapter in each other’s “story”, for a season.  We made lots of wonderful memories, some BIG, funny mistakes, and had a really great time growing up together.  Every one of these people that I’ve had the honor of reconnecting with is someone I am privileged to call my friend today.  Although life has presented a wide range of challenges for all of us, each of these old/new friends is truly amazing.  They are married, single, gay, straight, raising kids, rescuing pets, volunteering, they own their own businesses, they are investing in careers that matter to them, preaching, teaching, leading their communities, thriving in business, caring for the people in their lives, creating music and art, coaching sports – they are all following their passions.  They are great parents, spouses, children to aging parents, and are close to their siblings.  Some of them are now widowed, battling chronic and terminal illnesses, have lost children, jobs, and have gone through the pain of divorce.  Some are dealing with wayward adult children, disappointment, the loss of parents,  death of siblings, family suicide, depression, loneliness, infertility, the loss of love, and are working to pick up the broken pieces of life.  It is an incredible gift to pick up with someone and re-enter their life story after a 25 to 30 year gap in communication.  And with most of these lovely friends, it’s as if no time at all has passed.  I am proud of these hundreds of friends, who are ALL positive, creative, generous human beings.  You haven’t let the challenges of life conquer you, you’ve risen above them, and you keep fighting the good fight.

So, here’s to reconnecting with the people that matter!  Thanks for your opening your lives and hearts again to me, and for your life-long friendships.  You truly inspire me with your love, your lives, and your laughter. 

This post is lovingly dedicated, to the thousands of students, teachers, coaches and friends who were part of my life from 1974 to 1990, at the following schools:  Mt. Juliet Elementary, Bartlett Elementary, Woodbrook Elementary, Ellendale Elementary, Altruria Elementary, Bartlett Elementary (again), Shadowlawn Middle School, Briarcrest High School, Klein High School, Belmont University, and Middle Tennessee State University. 

LETTING GO - The 30 Day Countdown

As I write this, there are only 30 days left in 2014. 

After surviving a very intense and challenging year in my personal life, (can I get a witness??!!) I've been experiencing a life-theme of "Letting Go" for several weeks now.  Rather than focusing on what I need to add to my life to be whole and happy, and focusing on what's missing, I've been thinking about what I can subtract, what I can give up to make room for better things.  Rather than asking myself "What do I want and need", I've been asking myself the question, "What can I live without and let go of?"  I just finished writing a new song rooted in the "Letting Go" theme last week, and I was in the midst of writing a blog post tonight entitled "30 Day Countdown - Things To Let Go Of Before The New Year". 

Well, as fate would have it, I received a link to another blog post tonight while I was in the process of writing mine, entitled "30 Things To Let Go Of Before The New Year".  Freaky coincidence?  I don't think so.  I don't believe in coincidences.  I stopped in my tracks and read this blog.  It said everything I wanted to say, and much more.  It was as if I had a some kind of psychic scribe who read my heart and mind, and delivered this powerful message to me, already penned and wrapped up in a bow.

This particular blog is not a blog I've ever read before tonight, so I can't officially recommend it, and I know nothing about the author.  However, I certainly do recommend this blog post!  I'll definitely be back for more.  I've never "re-blogged" anything before, but this is worth sharing.

 

So, here is "30 Things To Let Go Of Before The New Year"!  I hope you enjoy it as much as I did!

http://www.marcandangel.com/2014/11/30/30-things-to-let-go-of-before-the-new-year/

YOU'VE GOT A FRIEND

You’ve Got A Friend 

What is our biggest fear as humans, and what is our deepest need?  I think our biggest fear is rejection, followed by loneliness.  We might initially think that our biggest fear is failure, but we can handle even the biggest failures in life if we know the people we love and respect won’t reject us when we fail.  Rejection is the thing we fear most, and feeling lonely follows closely behind.  We fear rejection in love, in work, in relationships with friends and family, and in everything we do.  When we choose to reveal the deepest places in our soul to another person, we risk rejection.

We feel this way because we actually reject ourselves, at some level.  We don’t like the deep dark places.  We know who we are, including all of the unlovely parts.  How could anyone really see us as we are, and accept us?  So we keep our ugliness hidden away.  We slap on some lip gloss and designer clothes, we cover ourselves up in religion and politics (or ANTI religion and politics), we hide away in hobbies, families, vacations, bottles of wine and prescription drugs, we present a rather pristine image through social media.  We work hard at presenting ourselves, as we desperately want to be seen.  We are marketing experts!  We are fine, thanks.  We are great.  We are good citizens and parents and spouses and human beings.  We go to church, we save animals, we recycle, we give to the poor, we wash our cars and vote and volunteer, and we have never murdered anybody.   But deep down we have needs that are unseen, and often go unmet.

What is our deepest need as humans?  I think it is to have another soul see us for who we are, warts and all, and to truly accept us and love us.  It is to have someone know us completely, inside and out, and love us in spite of ourselves.  It is to connect fully with another soul – to know and be known, hiding nothing.  Full disclosure, with total love and acceptance.  We want this in romance, with friends, with family, with coworkers.  We want to be real, and to be loved for the real people that we are.  That kind of love and connection is extraordinary.  That is what we all need.  That is what we all long for.  I can sum it up in two words:  Intimate friendship.

Whether you are a man or woman, from Mars or Venus, full disclosure with another person requires a huge amount of trust.  It requires having an inside-out heart – turning your heart inside out so that another person sees the dark parts too, the nooks and crannies, the fears and failures, the underbelly.  It’s risky, because that’s how hearts get broken.  That’s how lives become shattered.  What if someone we trust decides to betray our secrets, our trust, and our love?  What if they abandon us?  It happens.  It hurts.  We learn this early on in life, and we learn to compensate and protect ourselves.  It’s part of the risk you take when you choose to connect fully with another human soul.  

But I am learning that the risk of being hurt is well worth the reward.  The greatest gift in life is intimate friendship.  I have been incredibly blessed (and I don’t throw that word around lightly) in my life with friends who outshine even the most loyal definition of what friendship should be.  They are friend “superheroes” to me.  And I want to be that kind of friend, too.

Top 10 Reasons We Need A Friend  

1.     Love.  You need that one person who loves you, every minute of every day, no matter what.  You know they’re out there and that they love you, even if you don’t see or talk to them every day.

2.     Connection.  The ability to connect soul-to-soul, effortlessly, holding nothing back.

3.     Support.  No matter what choices you make in life, they’ve got your back.  They’re the ones holding your hand while you head into surgery, wiping your tears when your heart is broken, holding your head when you’re hung over, or posting your bail when you do something stupid.

4.     Cheerleader.  We need our own cheering section!  That person shouting our name, telling us we can DO THIS.  They believe in us even when we don’t believe in ourselves.

5.     Honesty.  Ouch.  The one who speaks the truth in love.  They love us enough to call us on the carpet when we are wrong, and tell us what we need to hear.  They always have our best interest in mind with the goal of helping.

6.     Perspective.  They pull our heads out of our (ahem) dark places.  They give us a new attitude.  They ask us to consider another viewpoint when we’re stuck in the loop of negative thinking.

7.     Life Coach.  They take time to work with us, to coach us through problems, challenges, and complex situations.  They help us with our playbook, our game plan.  They sometimes even call the plays for us when we need it.  We learn to rely on their voice and their instruction.  They help us and make us better.

8.     Loyalty.  They are the 3am phone call when we’re awake and panicking.  They drop everything they are doing when we need them.  They are there for us, always, no questions asked.

9.     Laughter.  They make us laugh till we cry.  They make us laugh WHEN we’re crying.  They jolly us out of the tar pit and pull us back into the sunshine.  They feed us hot fudge sundaes and watch trashy TV with us. 

10. Intimacy.  This is really what it’s all about.  It’s the heart, mind, and soul connection.  This is life energy.  It is what we need most.

Maybe you’re in a lonely season and you don’t have an intimate friend in your life right now.  The best way to find a friend like this is to BE one.  Take the initiative to make that call, send that text or email, and get together for coffee or dinner.  Be the friend you wish you had.  Choose wisely.  You’ll be glad you did. 

One of my favorite movies is “It’s A Wonderful Life”.  At the end of the movie, Clarence the angel writes a note to George Bailey that says, “No man is a failure who has friends.”  And that’s the truth.

 

Here’s my favorite friendship song.

Dedicated to YOU, my friends, with love.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q7RPCFfudmU

GETTING ORGANIZED! Part 1

GETTING ORGANIZED! 

Part 1 – Getting Ready

Spring is springing, and springtime is cleantime!  Do you have a garage, a closet, a car, some cabinets, drawers or a basement that are in desperate need of some organizing?  Is your “stuff” starting to manage you and take over your life?  Are the piles around you stressing you out?  Do you have trouble finding things when you need them?  Is there a room or closet in your house that you avoid altogether because it’s so cluttered?  Do you avoid entertaining at home because it’s just too disorganized for guests?  If you said “yes” to any of these questions, now is the time for action!  Let’s talk about some simple steps toward getting organized and staying that way.

Now lest you think I’m one of those people who spend hours of my life organizing and color-coding my sock drawer, I’m NOT.  I’m not a compulsive cleaner, and I would much rather spend my free time playing outside all day rather than cleaning my basement.  But I AM one of those people who is much more peaceful and happy when things at home are organized and in order.  My home will never be on a home magazine cover, but I do like it to look and feel inviting and uncluttered.  I also love helping other people get organized, and I have helped dozens of friends and family members get a handle on home organization over the years.  To me, being organized frees me to enjoy life and live in the moment.  It relieves stress and allows me to live more simply.  For me, organization equals peace.  My outer space is a reflection of my inner space, and it feels really good when both are in order.  My goal is life-balance, not perfection.

Let’s think about our approach to home organization in two main categories – big storage spaces and everyday living spaces.  What I call “big storage spaces” include spaces like your basement, your attic, and your garage.  These are spaces that can sometimes serve as a “catch all” space for a myriad of things, old and new.  Now, if you’ve lived in the same place for many years, your attic or basement might have some really great stuff in it!  Perhaps you’re holding on to items from old hobbies like macrame class or your jewelry-making phase.  Maybe you kept all of your children’s baby clothes, baby toys, baby teeth and hair from every haircut they had until they went to college.  And there’s that set of rooster dishes that your late grandma Ethel gave you, your ceramic reindeer collection with the light-up noses, and your dad’s lucky golf clubs that he won the club championship with back in the day.  You might have boxes or piles full of sentimental things like photos and yearbooks, your awards and ribbons from high school, your powder blue prom tux, or your record albums from the 70’s.  And don’t forget about that gigantic computer monitor and tower that you just can’t seem to part with, because you are certain that some poor person in a 3^rd world country would want that perfectly good Gateway computer system you purchased for nearly $8,000 in 1992.  Who knows, maybe slide projectors, 8 Track players, cassette answering machines and dot matrix printers just might make a huge comeback someday!  Part of the reason we let these big storage spaces go untouched is because we can’t decide what to keep and what to throw away.  Our “attic treasures” may not be important to anyone else, but they may represent years of life memories.  These treasures often connect us with important past events in our lives, or with people we love who have now passed on.  This blog post is going to focus on getting these “big storage spaces” organized, and will be part one of the “Getting Organized” series.

Getting Ready

Here are a few tips to help you as prepare to organize your “big space”.  Give yourself several days to prepare before you dive in to your project.  Things will go much more smoothly if you are well prepared!

·      Save the date.

Pick a day on your calendar that you will begin to organize your big space, and stick to it!  Don’t make any other commitments on that day, even though you’d probably rather do just about anything else.  It’s likely that your project will take more than just a few hours – in fact, it might take several days to complete.  You don’t have to give yourself a tight timeline to finish your project, but you definitely don’t want to plan any other big activities on the day you begin.

·      Recruit a few helpers.

You might be sensitive about having other people go through your things, which is perfectly understandable.  But having a young, strong assistant is a wonderful help when you are moving boxes, old furniture, and hauling items away for donation or disposal.  Try and recruit someone to help you with heavy lifting.  If you are a packrat by nature and you have a hard time getting rid of things, you should consider having someone you trust there to help you make the hard decisions regarding what to keep and what to throw away.  Projects like this are always more fun when you have a team of helpers!

·      Purchase some heavy-duty contractor bags.  These are inexpensive, and will be essential as you de-clutter your big space.

·      Get some storage containers – you’ll need ‘em!

If you plan to keep some of your “treasured” items in home storage after you get organized, you might want to consider investing in some large, plastic storage containers.  I recommend clear plastic containers so that you can see what’s inside even when they are stacked up.  (I also recommend using a numbered, catalogued system for your stored items, which we will talk more about later.)  If storage containers are not in your budget, consider visiting a local grocery store or liquor store and ask the manager if you can have some empty boxes.  If you work in an office, printer-paper boxes with lids also work very well for long-term storage.  These will be a great help to you during the organization process.

·      Get some labeling supplies.

Make sure you have index cards, sharpie markers and tape on hand.  This is an easy way to label boxes, storage containers and contractor bags. 

·      Wear a mask if you need it.

If you have a problem breathing around dust and mold like I do, make sure you wear a simple medical mask if you will be spending hours of time in dusty or moldy spaces.  These are only a few dollars, and can be purchased at any pharmacy or drug store.

·      Protect your hands and eyes.

If you’re going to be in contact with items that include grease or chemicals, make sure you wear protective gloves and goggles.  I helped a friend clean his garage once, and there were lots of poisonous substances we needed to remove, which was an unexpected surprise.

·      Call your municipality about the disposal of unique trash items.

If you will be getting rid of paint cans, old tires, batteries, computers or other items that you can’t put in your trash, contact your local municipality and find out the best way to dispose of these things.  My township has a day every spring when you can drop these things off at our local fire station, and they dispose of them for you.

·      Let there be light!

Garages, attics and basements are often poorly lit, so make sure you have plenty of light while you’re working.  Make plans to bring some temporary, additional lighting to these spaces, if needed.  These spaces can also become musty over time, so try to open windows and doors beforehand to offer some ventilation.

·      Crank up the music!

I love to work with music playing!  I seem to gravitate toward Motown music when I need to attack a “big space” project.  So grab your favorite music, speakers, and you can dance and sing your way to organization!

·      Plan your meals.

Try and plan your meals ahead of time on the day you’ll be starting your project.  Having lunch sandwiches prepared ahead of time and dinner in the crock pot will be a nice treat when you’re tired and hungry after a long day of hard, physical work.

·      Prepare yourself mentally for the big task.

This may sound a bit strange, but it can often be an unexpected emotional experience to rummage through a room full of sentimental items.  I’ve seen people burst into tears at the sight of a late spouse’s handwritten card, or as they find the clay mug their son made them for Mother’s Day.  Those items are obviously things you would want to keep!  I would not advise going through each individual photo or love letter on your big cleaning day.  Rather, save those in a storage container and go through them when you have time to savor a trip down memory lane.

·      Set clear goals.

Do you plan to just reorganize and clean your space, or do you want to simplify and get rid of things?  Remember, if your real goal is to simplify, you cannot allow yourself to keep everything that is cluttering your valuable “big space”.  Sometimes “stuff equals stress”.  Don’t be afraid to downsize.  Prepare to let go of items that are not essential.  A good rule of thumb is, if you haven’t used something at all in the past year or two, you probably won’t miss it. 

Now you’re ready to get started with your spring cleaning project!  Stay tuned for the next Wenshine blog post where I’ll share detailed, start-to-finish steps to help you get that big space organized, and keep it that way!